"Balls that are round ..."

Mucho congratulations to Japan for qualifying for the last 16 - a most exciting event and thoroughly deserved. Or was it ...

The conspiracy theory that must be made known involves a sinister and little known plot to de-stabilize the football fanatical countries with little money to spend (Brazil??) who tie themselves up with up-start sportswear companies (Nike ...) in favour of rich places whose people can buy more things. And the finger of blame must point at adidas !!! Everyone has complained about the "Jabulani" football - but did you see how the Japanese boys, wearing nothing but adidas shoes and adidas shirts and shorts and socks and tracksuits and ... and ... and ... had NO PROBLEM kicking the adidas football in the correct way! It's a conspiracy I tell you, the ball has clearly been specially constructed so that ONLY an adidas foot can kick it properly!!!

... and continuing our avowed and pioneering journalistic spirit of naming and shaming responsible individuals I can tell you that the real blame here must lie at the feet of the head of adidas Japan, a Jon Hewitt. I urge all our readers to announce that his tawdry little secret is out and tell him, at this address - Jonathan.Hewitt@adidas.com :-

"You are Jonathan Hewitt of the Daily adidas and I claim my free T-Shirt" !!!

You know it makes sense ...

Why Buddha loves a "smoker"!

The tales that "they" don't want you to know - No 1.

The Buddha was sitting under a tree, and could not understand the problem of why he was so fat. "I understand everything in the Universe" he thought, "but I don't know the answer to such a simple question". As he was sitting there, however, an elephant called Trevor (the Tusker...) came up to him and said "Go back to where you started from."

The Buddha said "A talking elephant? Have I been abusing substances recently?"

Trevor said "Enough of the anthropomorphic racism. I am Trevor and I'm telling you to go back to where you started from - if you don't understand the problem, then start at the beginning again".

"I see" said the Buddha. "Retrace your thoughts and steps and the solution will become obvious. I will try this".

"Mind you" said Trevor "the simple answer is probably that you eat too much and do no real exercise".

"It can't be that simple - it's much more likely to be cosmic heaviness weighing on my shoulders, but I will think about this. Tell me, is there something I can do for you for solving this problem for me"

"There is" said Trevor. "Can you light this cigarette for me? I'm an elephant with no hands and I can't work the lighter".

"Of course; that's easy".

But the Buddha's hands were too fat and he couldn't work the lighter either, so he had to go looking for followers who could make the lighter work so that Trevor could have his cigarette in peace. Of course, only smokers can be guaranteed to work Trevor's lighter and that's why Buddha loves smokers so much ...